Updated: Nov 4, 2020
Six and a half years ago my whole world came crashing down and I found myself 5 months pregnant with a child that was not going to live after birth and homeless.I was caught up in drug addiction and didn't realize that the world around me was slowly crumbling and the choices I made were having a direct effect on my life and the people that I loved the most. I didn't realize it until it was too late and I had lost everything.
I went from having a house and a family with four beautiful children to having nothing but a broken down car, the clothes on my back and a plastic tub of pictures and things from my kids that I couldn't replace.I went from being the mom and wife that I always longed to be growing up to becoming the mom and wife I never wanted to be.I was left with nothing but fear, shame, and deep deep regret. How did I get here? How could I have done this to my kids? They needed me and still need me and I let them down. Will I ever be able to see them again? How do I get out of this situation? Will I ever be able to get out of this situation? I had so many questions and was overwhelmed with an intense feeling of hopelessness.
I needed help but who could help me I had used up all of my resources. I had gone to church as a child and I always questioned if there was really a GOD but I had my doubts even as an adult I went back and forth to different churches and caught myself trying to be saved I even joined a women's ministry but always felt like something was missing.I didn't really have a relationship and I didn't feel GOD the way others did. I often questioned was he just something someone made up to keep us all in line? Was hell really real if so I was scared to die because I definitely didn't want to go there? I tried reading the bible but didn't understand it and found it to be pretty boring. I knew the ten commandments but I had broken almost all of those so if there was really a GOD would he even want to help me or was this the punishment I deserved. With all of those thoughts running through my head I began to cry. I missed my kids deeply and I needed help. With a completely surrendered heart, I cried out to GOD. GOD if your really real I need you to show me. I’m so scared and I need help. I miss my kids and I am hurting so bad.
Please if your really real please show me. I’m done with my life and I don't know where to go from here. I’ve reached out to everyone I know and now I’m just here and I feel abandoned and alone and I am so so scared. I will never forget the way that I felt when I heard GOD begin to speak life into me and reveal his feelings for me he said you see the way your missing your kids right now this is how much I've missed you this whole time.I remember thinking wait for what? Did you miss me? All the stuff I have done the person I have become you missed this? How could you miss me? I didn't even know you knew me? My own family doesn't even know how to help me or seem like they miss me but you miss me? And then he went on to say I am your mother I am your father I am your brother and your sister. I am your drugs I am your alcohol I am your kids I am the I am what you have need of I am. You have looked for churches to show you who I am you have looked for other godly women to show you who I am but let me show you who I am. I’m creating something new in you. Very few people learn how to rely on me and me only and you're going to be one of those few people. I was flooded with so many emotions. First of all oh my goodness he is really real and not only is he real he missed me and loves me? How is that possible? I didn’t even know I was important to him much less someone who he loved and missed. I began to cry and tell him how sorry I was and told him how messed up I had gotten my life and that I was done with living the way I wanted to live but I wanted to live the way he wanted me to live. He didn’t condemn me or come at me with hate and harsh judgment but complete acceptance, love, hope and an eagerness to help. I remember going from feeling homeless and hopeless to feeling homeless and hopeful. I had nothing but felt like I had everything.
A couple of days later I found a bible and I read that the holy spirit could teach you all things so I prayed and asked GOD if the holy spirit could teach me all things then I wanted to be taught and I wanted him to teach me not anyone else. I didn't realize at the time just how powerful that prayer was. Weeks went by and I went from being addicted to drugs to being addicted to GOD all of a sudden I understood the bible not only did I understand it I couldn't get enough of it. I no longer found it boring but the most interesting thing ever. I would pray and ask GOD to show me what he wanted me to read and learn that day and he would. From the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep I just wanted to know more. Nobody else had my back as he did and I told him that I would have his back when nobody else did and we became a team. Every day I would wake up and get excited about what I would learn that day and I would pray for direction. I knew I needed to try and get back on my feet if I wanted to see my kids again and regain some of the things I had lost so I began praying for a job and I got one at burger king. It was within walking distance from where I was so I would walk back and forth praying and just loving on GOD.
I quickly learned to be more specific when I was praying so I began praying for a job in a godly environment because the atmosphere there was terrible especially with everything I was going through and dealing with at the time and I also began praying that he would show me a church that I needed to go to yet again not one that I wanted to go to but where he would have me be and sure enough a couple of weeks later a guy came into burger king and he was wearing a shirt with a fish symbol on it and I thought oh he looks like a Christian and I asked him if he knew anyone that was hiring and with big crocodile tears running down my face I told him I was 6 months pregnant but that the baby wasn't going to live after birth so they wouldn't have to worry about me taking off of work that long after I had him. I told him a little bit about my living situation and insured him that I was reliable.
You face a lot of hesitation from companies hiring you being so far along and being in the situation I was in and I just felt like that was something he needed to know upfront Little did I know that he and his wife had recently lost their newborn daughter so he understood my pain. He told me he was meeting a friend for lunch who just so happened to be a pastor and not only was he a pastor but he was getting ready to open up a BBQ restaurant right down the street and he was looking to hire girls just like me to help them get off the streets and give them an opportunity to help turn their lives around and that he would be there in a little while and I should make time to walk over there and introduce myself. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Once his friend got there I went out to the lobby and started wiping down tables trying to make my way over to where they were sitting and when I got closer the guy introduced us and by the end of the conversation they were laying hands on me praying for me and I not only had a job but I had a church to attend and a ride to get there. I was so excited you couldn't have wiped the smile off of my face even if you tried lol. While the restaurant was still being worked on I had started making enough money to get a hotel room at a hotel across the street from burger king and they would come to pick me up every Wednesday and every Sunday and bring me to church and minister to me and love on me. They quickly became family to me. I went on to have the baby and trusted in GOD to take care of him and they were up there with me the whole time.
It took me a few months to recover from that but I had a beautiful support system from them and the church. Once I was able to work again I started working at the restaurant with the pastor and his wife. I looked forward to coming to work every day being able to fellowship with other Christians and be able to minister to whoever walked in the door or came through the drive-through and tell them my story and just how real GOD was. They worked alongside me and helped me work through some things that I was still dealing with. I kept k love on in my car and on the little clock radio in the hotel room and they had a radio set up playing it in there too and it was refreshing to be able to listen to it at work as well. I was quickly promoted to night shift manager and within 6 months I had learned so much and built up enough good work history and was stable enough that I was able to get a job as a certified apple technician with the help of the pastor making twice as much as I made as manager and working with hundreds of lost souls to minister too.I was amazed at how far I had come and at what GOD was doing in my life and with my character. He was even restoring the relationship between the kid's father and I and within a couple of months he was getting saved and we were married living in a house all of my debt was paid off and I had two of my kids back full time and joint custody with the other two. They had seen such a change in me and could see the joy and energy that I had and I talked about GOD so much they were asking me how to get saved and how they could know GOD as I did and I was able to lead all four of them into prayer accepting GOD into their heart and asking him to save them too.I remember thinking if I had never got to where I was and hit rock bottom I would have been still living like I was and my kids might not have even had a chance to know him and that was a really sobering thought. I became grateful for my rock bottom.
I cannot thank GOD enough for allowing me to experience the things I experienced even if they did hurt that's what I needed to draw near to him and get myself together and experience the life He intended for me to have. I’m also so thankful for the restaurant. I have seen GOD move and touch so many people's lives there and I thoroughly enjoy being a part of that.I have been sober for a little over 6 years now and GOD and I are still going strong. I’m looking forward to being able to share the godly wisdom that I have learned so far with other women and help them along their journey with GOD like I had with mine and I’m looking forward to being able to watch them grow and succeed in life through the restaurant and the dream center and watch them take back what the enemy has stolen. He is breaking chains and raising up mighty warriors and it is truly awesome to be a part of that.
To GOD be the glory!